How to Help a Preschooler with Separation Anxiety

Starting your first day at preschool is simply a terrifying and anxiety-filled transition for plenty of children in the world. Being in a completely new building with strange places and unknown faces all by yourself without your beloved guardian is even scarier! Separation anxiety is a common issue for many children starting school, but with love and comfort, it can be handled correctly without any tears or fuss.

EditSteps

EditPreparing Your Preschooler

1. Tell your child what preschool is like. Preschool is a completely new place and experience for a child. They most likely aren't aware of what it's like, so a conversation about it brings in the opportunity to answer any questions they may have and discuss any fears. Be sure this conversation is done a few weeks before school starts and not last minute. A last-minute talk about school will prevent them from addressing any worries they may have and will make them even more anxious. If your child is aware of what preschool is like before it starts, they are less likely to have separation anxiety. ^[1]
   
   • Tell your child what fun things they'll be able to do at preschool. You might say, "Jordan, preschool is a fun place to learn new things, make friends, and have fun. You might play with toys or explore outside."
2. Tour the school with your preschooler. Many schools offer tours for students and parents to attend to a few weeks before school starts. This is a great chance for preschoolers to get the chance at looking over the school and seeing what it's like. By exploring the place, they're less prone to having a separation anxiety outburst when they understand what and how the school is like. ^[2]
   
   • If the school allows it, let your preschooler explore as much as they need to so they are able to see specific rooms in the school. For example, they might wonder and ask if there's a bathroom in the school or if there's an area for napping. Many schools also allow children to play with any of the toys that are in the classroom to make them feel comfortable. ^[3]
3. Use pretend play and games as preparation for preschoolers. Create a routine on how the first day of school will turn out and then act it out. You can have your preschooler get themselves dresses and put on their shoes as practice on what they'll do in the morning on the first day of school. By pretending and acting out the routine, preschoolers are more aware of what's happening and won't feel like they're doing too many tasks at once. ^[4]
   
   • Stick to a simple schedule every day for preschoolers to follow. Routines can prevent separation anxiety since children are able to understand what's happening each day. ^[5]
   • Hide-and-seek is a great game to play with your child that separates you from them shortly and allows you both to play at the same time. ^[6]
4. Read books to your preschooler. There are plenty of books out there for children that address separation anxiety. Reading to your child about this new transition can comfort and guide them through their first year of school. ^[7] Many children's stories talk about separation anxiety from the child's point of view. Some popular and great stories that talk about being separated from your parents include: ^[8]
   
   • Llama Llama Misses Mama by Ann Dewdney
   • The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn
   • I Love You All Day Long by Francesca Rusackas
   • Oh My Baby, Little One by Kathi Appelt
   • Mommy, Don’t Go by Elizabeth Crary and Marina Megale
   • Wemberly Worried by Kevin Henkes
5. Reassure your preschooler about any worries they may have. Preschool is a big step in your child's development and they're likely to feel very nervous and anxious. Once you discuss what preschool is like, you'll be flooded with many questions and concerns from them. Answer and address these worries patiently and honestly. While you may feel guilty if they ask questions like "Will you be there at school with me?" or other similar concerns, they must be answered truthfully. Lying to your child and making up things that aren't true is prone to make their anxiety worse and lose their trust in you.
   
   • Pay attention to some of their nonverbal actions. Once you mention what preschool is, your child will usually be a little nervous about the new transition. Regression from certain activities such as using the bathroom, eating, sleeping, and other tasks begin to be a challenge. Behavioral issues are also common from anxious preschoolers. ^[9]
6. Know what to do a few weeks before preschool starts. Preparing last-minute is likely to stress both you and your child. Plan your child's school year ahead of time by attending a school tour and a parent-teacher conference. Have you and your preschooler get to know the teacher better. You should also set aside some time to buy school supplies that your preschooler might need for school. ^[10]
   
7. Prepare your preschooler the night before school. Have your child help you pick out their clothes for the school day and pack a snack or lunch. Review and practice your routine with them. They should be aware of what to do when they wake up in the morning and what their leaving routine is like. Answer and address any questions or concerns they might have right now. ^[11]
   
   • Make sure your preschooler has a good night's sleep the night before the first day of school. They need to be well-rested and alert on the first day, and the last thing you want is a crying preschooler begging for sleep in the morning. ^[12]
8. Be ready on the first day of preschool. Wake up bright and early so you and your preschooler won't have to rush in the morning. Have them help you make breakfast and, if possible, eat with them together so you can answer any last-minute questions they might have. Help them prepare themselves as they get ready for this big day. ^[13]
   
   • Don't add different activities and unplanned events on the first day of the school routine. It's likely to make your preschooler more anxious with the new school transition. ^[14]

EditDealing with Separation Anxiety as a Parent

1. Stay a little while with your child so they can transition into the classroom. Try getting them engaged in an activity to keep their mind off of you leaving. You may also want to introduce them to their teacher or a few of their classmates. This can comfort them so they don't feel like they are alone with strangers.
   
   • Everyone's expectations for how long you should stay with your child differ. Some say you should stay 10-15 minutes, and others say you should stay an hour. If a child's anxiety is really bad, you might stay the whole day. It really depends on the child, the policies of the school, and how long you can stay there with them until you have to leave. ^[15]
2. Offer plenty of motivation and comfort to your child. You can remind your child about some of the tasks or new places they've mastered in the past. For example, you might say, "Do you remember when you were nervous on your first day of summer camp? After some time, you ended up loving it a lot!" Be your child's motivator and offer as much as support as possible. ^[16]
   
   • Don't brush your child's emotions and concerns to the side. This makes separation anxiety worse and will cause it to last longer, making it a battle every morning to go to school and stay there. Being in a new place with completely new people is terrifying for preschoolers, so be patient and supportive as you help your child. ^[17]
3. Plan a leaving routine with your preschooler. A leaving routine can ease a preschooler's nerves about you leaving the school. Create the leaving routine ahead of time before the first day of school starts. Some ideas you can add to the routine include a big hug or kiss, a special handshake or goodbye wave, an item that can be given as comfort (e.g photo, hand-written note, small toy, etc.), and/or a high five. ^[18]
   
   • Your leaving routine shouldn't be too long and should last at least five minutes. Keep goodbyes short and simple, reminding your child that you'll be back later to pick them up. ^[19]
4. Avoid lying and making promises you won't keep. Many parents find themselves telling their children different things that are untrue and won't help their separation anxiety. For example, to avoid an emotional outburst from your child ahead of time, you might tell them you'll stay with them in class for the entire day even if you know that's untrue. By lying and making promises that are false, your preschooler loses your trust and is prone to be even more upset at school. ^[20]
   
5. Be calm and positive. Preschool teachers have observed that parents who show they are scared or nervous for their child, both verbally or nonverbally, cause the child to feel the same way. ^[21] It's normal to feel worried and anxious for your child, but staying calm is one of the best ways to prevent emotional outbursts such as tantrums or meltdowns.
   
   • Remind your child that you will be there with them again and that you will pick them up when school is over. If the school provides one, you can remind your preschooler to look at the class schedule or clock so they can be aware of when school is finished for the day.
   • Instead of coaching the child on what not to do (e.g "Derek, you better be nice to the teacher and all the students" or "Pauline, I expect you to act nicely with everyone in the class and not pick fights."), tell them what they will do. If your child enjoys art, they might love it when you mention that the class will have craft time during the day. ^[22]
6. Understand that tears and frustration from your preschooler are normal. Unfortunately, your loved one will be upset about you leaving the classroom. Cries for your name, tantrums, and screams will most likely be heard. This is normal and will not last forever. As hard as it is, avoid going back into the classroom if you hear or see your child upset. They will assume you will always rescue and be there for them when you two are separated. ^[23]
   
   • Understand that the preschool teachers will be there to support and calm your child. Most teachers have seen separation anxiety from plenty of children and will try their best to comfort the preschooler.^[24]
7. Know that regression is normal. If your preschooler has mastered potty training, they may start having accidents frequently once they start school or a few weeks before school starts. Preschoolers feel many different emotions about their first year of school, so regression for sleep, eating, using the bathroom, and any other normal activities will begin to be a challenge. If your child is normally well-behaved, they may start having more tantrums and behavioral issues when they start preschool. ^[25] This is all completely normal, and once your preschooler adjusts to the school and class routine, they'll be back on track again.
   
   • It usually takes a few weeks to a month for regression to stop. All preschoolers are different. If you feel like their regression has been going on for a long time, talk to their doctor or preschool teacher about it. ^[26]
   • Not all preschoolers regress. Some may do perfectly fine with the new routine of school. Others may be fine the first few weeks of school, but start to regress weeks or months later. ^[27]

EditDealing with Separation Anxiety as a Teacher

1. Understand the different types of separation anxiety. All children react differently when they are separated from their parents. Some may choose to isolate themselves from everyone by not speaking or doing any activities. Others may act violently with rage. They may shout, cry, and act physically. No matter how the child acts, separation anxiety should be handled seriously because it can prevent children from learning, growing, and enjoying themselves at school.
   
   • Some children may have separation anxiety disorder. This is different than normal separation anxiety and is not a stage of childhood development. Normal separation anxiety usually goes away within weeks after children understand how preschool works, but separation anxiety disorder can last months and is more serious. Medication and therapy may be needed to ease the anxiety. ^[28]
2. Host a parent orientation for parents to attend before school starts. According to many preschool teachers, separation anxiety can be reduced with help from parents. Host a parent orientation discussing ways and methods to help their children with anxiety cope with the new transition of preschool. At the same time, you will want to address the way parents are feeling, too. To many parents, a child starting one of their very first school years is nerve-wracking and stressful. Talk about these emotions and state that they are perfectly normal to have as a parent.
   
   • Talk to parents about some common mistakes done on the first day of school. For example, you should tell parents to avoid sneaking out of the room when your child is not paying attention. This could lead to an outburst when the child discovers their parent is missing. ^[29]
   • Connect with parents before preschool starts. Have separate parent and teacher conferences with each family to connect and understand them better. This is a good time to address any concerns they may have about their child starting school, how bad they believe the child's separation anxiety is, and any additional problems the child or parent may have. ^[30]
   • Hand out preschool packets at the end of an orientation. The packet should contain information about the class schedule, any school policies, and some information about handling the first day of school for both parents and children. Having a packet of information is a lot easier than cramming everything from the orientation, and allows parents to look over certain information as much as they need to. ^[31]
3. Provide plenty of classroom tours for preschoolers and parents to attend. Preschoolers are less likely to be nervous or anxious about being at school if they are aware of what it is like. Short tours should be provided a few weeks before school starts so parents and preschoolers can be aware of what the environment is like. ^[32]
   
   • Allow children to explore as much as they need to. They should be allowed to play with the toys offered in the classroom, look over any books, and even explore the bathroom if needed.
4. Make the classroom environment calm, caring, and fun. Preschool should be a fun place so children can learn, play, and simply enjoy themselves. Organize the classroom properly with different areas for certain activities. For example, the classroom might have one area for reading and another area for playing with toys. ^[33] The classroom should also appear fun-looking to make preschool a fun place to learn. Colorful posters, toys, sensory boxes, board games, and books make the classroom more amusing and exciting for children.
   
   • Having a set of simple rules for preschoolers to follow can keep the class running smoothly and efficiently.
   • Stick to a routine. Preschoolers are less likely to have separation anxiety if they are aware of how the class runs and when they are able to see their parents again. ^[34]
5. Create a visual schedule for preschoolers to look at. A visual schedule is a routine set up with pictures to show others when and what activities are done during the day. They are known to help new classmates on their first day of school and help with separation anxiety because of the way new activities are organized into a specific routine. Visual schedules should be posted in an area that is easy to see so for all preschoolers. The schedule should state each activity done during the school day. ^[35]
   
   • For example, your visual schedule may have a time for welcoming the students, doing a craft, having circle time, reading, going outside, and then leaving.
6. Let preschoolers bring something from home as comfort. If a preschooler really misses their parents or family from home, they can bring a picture or hand-written note from them as a coping method. They can also bring an object or item that reminds them of their missed loved one. For example, a preschooler might bring in her purple teddy bear because purple is her mother's favorite color. ^[36]
   
   • Ask preschoolers about the item they brought from home. Talking about their loved one can help with separation anxiety and know that it's okay to miss someone while you're away from them.
   • Treasure their object or picture and consider it valuable. For example, you could encourage preschoolers to stick a picture of their loved one next to their coat hanger or cubby so they could be reminded of them and won't miss them. ^[37]
7. Allow the preschooler to express their feelings. Dismissing a child's feelings is likely to make them feel worse. Accept the way your preschooler feels and allow them to share what their emotions are like at the moment. Talk about what you notice from them, and not what you assume. For example, instead of saying "I know you hate preschool" you can say "You look very sad right now. Do you miss your father?" ^[38]
   
   • Avoid comments that dismiss a preschooler's emotions. Expressions like "You're a big kid now, you're not a baby!" or "You're a preschooler now. Preschoolers don't cry in school" These type of comments hurt more than help. ^[39]
   • Be open and friendly. You can ask the child, "How do you feel? Are you scared because today is your first day of preschool?" You can then turn it into a conversation on how you felt when it was your first day of teaching. Even better, if today is your first day teaching, you can explain how nervous you feel, too. ^[40] This can comfort preschoolers to show they aren't alone with their feelings.
8. Know how to handle crying and frustration. Unfortunately, separation anxiety can lead to emotional outbursts, such as tantrums or meltdowns. Handling these outbursts can be stressful and confusing as you try to comfort the child. The best way to handle these outbursts is by distracting the child and presenting the activities you have planned for the day. If the child refuses to participate, accept that and leave them with a quiet activity to do on their own (e.g coloring, playing with play-dough, building blocks, etc.) You should not force preschoolers to interact with others and participate in activities. Sometimes, preschoolers just need to be left alone until they're ready to join the class. ^[41][42]
   
   • Remind the child that their parents will come back later. You can use a visual schedule to show and remind preschoolers when their parents will come. ^[43] For example, you might say "After we eat a snack and play outside, your mom will come here to pick you up!"
   • Stay calm and positive. Yelling and being stressed out around a child with separation anxiety leads them to later act aggressively. Be cheerful, reassuring, and patient with them. Being in a completely new place with no parents can be scary! ^[44]
   • Avoid bribing the child with candy or prizes to get them to stop crying. When children are separated from their parents, they may start expecting to get a reward every time they don't have an outburst. ^[45]
9. Know how to react to children complaining about a preschooler with separation anxiety. A preschooler with separation anxiety is likely to cry, wail loudly, scream, and yell at the top of their lungs. This can disturb other preschoolers in the classroom. If the children complain or mention the child, you can calmly state that they miss their parents and need some time to adjust to preschool.
   
   • For example, if Aidan asks why Hailey is crying and rolling over the floor you can say, "Hailey is crying because she misses her father. She needs a little bit of time to learn how preschool works. What if we help her and ask if she wants to play in the sandbox?"
10. Be prepared to handle an aggressive preschooler with separation anxiety. Sometimes preschoolers can act extremely violent and aggressive when parents leave, especially if their parents have always let their child be attached to them or if the child has a really close bond. They may run around the classroom, act physical, throw objects, hurt others, or hurt themselves. This can be incredibly disturbing for everyone in the room and can also be quite concerning. Having a separate calm-down room with toys and relaxing activities can help preschoolers calm down and not disturb other children in their activities.
    
    • Calm-down rooms shouldn't be used as punishment. They should only be used as a safety resort for the preschooler and people in the classroom.
11. Don't send preschoolers home because of a separation anxiety outburst. Many teachers make the mistake of sending a child home because of their distressed reactions and believe that it helps to send them back to their parents. The truth of it all is that this only harms the child rather than help them. The next time they go to school, the outburst will be longer and worse until they get their way and return to being sent home once more. Allow the preschooler to express their emotions as needed. Be positive and reassuring, but be firm, too. ^[46]
    
    • If a preschooler has separation anxiety disorder or is having a really hard day, the day can be shortened and the child can go home earlier. The goal is trying to have the child stay in class a little longer each day until they stay the entire day. ^[47]

EditVideo

EditTips

• Understand that separation anxiety comes and goes. If a child has never been separated from their parents before, it can last a day to three weeks. However, separation anxiety may return after the weekend, a school break, or vacation. It could also happen once or twice in a month. ^[48]
• As a teacher, you and the parents should always be on the same page about certain rules of the school. In parent orientations, a first day of school policy should be followed that prevents parents from constantly watching their child and coming back when the child has an outburst. The policy should also state how long a parent can be with their child, and how school the routine will work for them.
• A preschooler with separation anxiety may be comforted if they hold a picture of their loved one throughout the school day (i.e while they eat, when they nap, etc.). ^[49]
• Annual separation workshops are offered in many schools for parents to attend so they can better understand and deal with separation anxiety from their child. ^[50]

EditWarning

• If your preschooler's anxiety seems extreme, contact their doctor right away. Headaches, vomiting, and worrying constantly about school is not normal separation anxiety and should be addressed immediately. ^[51]

EditRelated wikiHows

• Deal With Your Child's Separation Anxiety
• Deal with Separation Anxiety in Babies
• Help Your Child Overcome Fears
• Help a Toddler Adjust to Preschool

EditSources and Citations

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