Asal Tutorial : How to Be Comfortable Around Strangers

Feeling uncomfortable being around people? Can't stop being nervous? Weird conversations, shaky hands, and being unable to look someone in the eye are all parts of feeling uncomfortable around strangers. It's totally normal to be nervous around new people, but it doesn’t have to be.

EditSteps

EditOpening a Conversation

Make a move. Sometimes the hardest part is breaking the ice, then the rest is smooth sailing. For example, attempt to shake someone’s hand first, say hello to someone first, or go up to someone and introduce yourself.
- It’s normal to fear approaching someone you don’t know because you may bother him or her. However, people tend to enjoy talking with strangers, both the person initiating conversations and the person being approached.^[1] You may make someone’s day!
Smile. Smiling helps break any tension between you and the person you're talking to. Smiling with a twinkle in your eye allows you to appear open and welcoming.^[2] When you feel tense or nervous, smile and tell yourself it’ll be okay.
- Don't forget, the person you’re speaking with may be nervous like you. Smiling can make both you and the person you’re talking to feel more at ease.
Introduce yourself. While going up to someone on the subway and introducing yourself may be a bit odd, introducing yourself to someone at a party, business or networking event is completely appropriate. When you introduce yourself, give a little information about yourself that is context appropriate. For instance, if you’re at a party, introduce yourself and say who you know. If you’re at a business or networking event, introduce yourself and say what company/specialty you are associated.
- To strangers or friends of friends at a social function, say, “Hi, I’m Ana. I’m friends with Svetlana. Did she invite you, too?”
- To business colleagues, say, “Hello, I’m Pedro. I work in marketing. What department do you work at?”
Pay a compliment. Generally, people love to receive compliments. If you want to break the ice and make someone feel good, pay a compliment. Keep compliments sincere and not fake for the sake of trying to impress someone. If you want to start a conversation, you can follow up on your compliment, such as, “I really like your jacket, where did you get it?” or “That’s a great painting, did you paint it?”
- While compliments can be nice, they can also reach a creepy level when pursued heavily, overly-repeated, or overly-given. Stick with one compliment.
Ask a question. Asking a question is a great way to an “in” with conversation. If you’re new to a gym, ask where the locker room is, or where you can find a towel, or what exercise class is best. If you’re buying a gift for someone, ask a stranger her opinion on an item. Even asking small questions to people you don’t know can help you boost your confidence in being around strangers. You can ask questions to get to know someone, too.
- Some standard questions to say when you first meet someone are, “Where are you from?” or “What do you do for a living/what do you study in school?” or “What do you do for fun?”
- For more help in asking questions, check out How to Ask Open Ended Questions.
Connect on a common bond. There are lots of things that can unite strangers, from working at the same company, sharing a vegetarian diet, having a dog or cat, and living in the same neighborhood. Capitalize on these similarities and strike up a conversation. It feels good to connect with someone you share similarities with, and who knows, maybe you’ll make a new friend.
- If you see someone else with a dog while you’re outside with your own dog, you can stop and ask about the dog. Often people who love animals love to talk about their pets and relate with other people who have a pet.
- You may notice someone’s shirt that’s from the same university you attended, or see someone wearing a sweatshirt that supports the same sports team you love. Ask “When did you go to university?”, “What did you study? and “What activities did you participated in while at school?” There’s plenty to connect you!

EditImproving Your Interactions

Mirror their expressions. You don’t have to become a copycat, but notice the visual cues the people provide as to how they feel. Read their body language in order to determine if they feel nervous, scared, stressed, or calm.^[3] You’ll most likely find that many feel people feel uncomfortable around strangers, much like yourself.
- Once you start paying attention to other people’s body language, you can start responding in an appropriate way that matches their feeling state.
Use your own body language. While it’s important to read other people’s visual cues, be aware of your own, too. If you stand in a corner looking down with your arms crossed, it’s unlikely anyone will approach you in conversation. However, if you smile, keep your head up, and have approachable body language, people may feel more at ease with you and welcome a conversation.
- Keep your hands loosely in your lap (if sitting) or comfortably by your sides while standing.^[4] Fidgeting with your hands may make you appear nervous or bored. If you feel uncomfortable with your hands or arms, hold a drink or food if it is offered.
- If you’re sitting, don’t tightly cross your legs, yet don’t keep them overly splayed. You want to find the “happy medium” of appearing approachable yet not sloppy or disinterested.^[5] If your legs start to shake, gently cross your legs at the ankles.
Practice boundaries. Practice monitoring socially acceptable boundaries. Avoid standing overly close to people and making people feel physically uncomfortable. Also, monitor the give and take of conversations. Don’t overshare personal details or monopolize the conversation. Take turns talking and listening.^[6]
- If you notice yourself doing more talking than listening, start to ask open-ended questions to allow the other person an opportunity to speak.
- Don’t share overly personal details about your life. While this may be fine (and funny) around friends, keep the personal things about wart removal, your “crazy” sister, and all of your life’s hardships for a more appropriate conversation.
Admit your feelings. Sometimes admitting that you feel nervous can break the ice. If you’re on a blind date and it’s not flowing, say, “I’m sorry I’ve been acting weird, it’s just that I feel really nervous right now.” Sometimes this can relieve both you and the other person. They may say, “Whew! Good, I’m glad it’s not just me who’s nervous!”
- Admitting your own feelings can make you and the other person more comfortable, and he or she may see that you are relatable.
Put your focus on anything but you. When you feel uncomfortable, it’s common to put all of your attention onto your feelings of discomfort, your awkwardness, and get wrapped up in your own experience. When you notice yourself absorbed in discomfort, turn your attention outward into your surroundings. Notice the setting, observe the people around you, and listen to other people’s conversations. By putting your focus outside of yourself, it’ll help you disengage from negative thoughts.^[7]
Try not to reject a conversation. If someone strikes up a conversation with you, try imagining that he or she is one of your friends. Give the interaction a chance by engaging the other person, asking questions, and showing interest. If you feel really uncomfortable, end the conversation in as inoffensive way as possible.
- If you need to end a conversation, say, “Thanks for talking. I’m about to leave, but perhaps we will see each other later.” or “I appreciate your time. Goodbye.”

EditChanging How You Feel

Build your self confidence. Feeling comfortable around others means feeling comfortable with yourself, too. If you feel insecure in who you are, other people will pick up on that in social interactions.^[8] Find activities that boost your self confidence or allow you to develop self confidence, and know that you can transfer those feelings to your social interactions.
- Maybe you’re an excellent water skier, ballet dancer, or model car builder. If you feel anxious or uncomfortable, tap into the feelings of confidence that other activities give you to help put yourself at ease.
Use positive self talk.^[9] If you find yourself lost in negative thoughts (“I’ll be so awkward” or “I’m not going to enjoy myself”) notice that you’re engaging a negative thought, then provide a counter-point. You can say, “I may really enjoy myself, and I give myself permission to have a good time” or “I can work on feeling awkward by practicing new skills.”
- Don’t talk yourself out of going to social events just because you feel uncomfortable. Any time you are on the fence about going, use positive self talk to encourage you to go. Think of it as an adventure to push yourself beyond your comfort zone.
- Remember that you’re practicing social ‘’skills’’, not social talents. Give yourself time to adjust to more positive self talk.
- You may find yourself catastrophizing (“This will be so horrible” or “I bet no one will be there and I’ll be alone and feel so out of place”) but learn to ignore these thoughts and return your focus to more positive thoughts.
Avoid basing your worth on other people’s reactions. Sometimes you get along great with people, and other times you may just not click. If you find yourself not clicking with someone, remember that this is an isolated circumstance, and it doesn’t mean you’re socially awkward, that you’re bad at conversation, or that people don’t like you. If you’re worried about how people will respond to you or if you’ll be judged, remind yourself not to assign heavy value to the opinion’s of others.^[10]
- Say to yourself, “People’s opinions of me don’t define my identity. They are entitled to their opinions as I am to my own.”
Use your breath. If you start feeling anxious around new people, tune in to your body, especially your breath. You may notice your breathing quicken or feel more restricted. Calm your mind by calming your breath.^[11]
- Take a deep inhale, hold it for a few seconds, then let the breath leave your body slowly. Repeat as necessary.
Relax. Learn to identify your stressful triggers and use relaxation techniques to calm yourself. This is especially helpful before you approach a social situation. Techniques such as meditation and yoga can help calm you down before you meet new people.^[12]
- When you notice your body tensing up before a social event or meeting, take note of the feelings and learn to relax your body. Notice the tension (perhaps in your shoulders or neck) and consciously release it.
- Have specific techniques you use before you go out to meet new people. If you have to attend a work function, spend a little time before the event in meditation, or go to a yoga class beforehand. Plan out your day so that you can approach the situation in the best possible mindset.