How to Rebuild Mutually Lost Trust in a Relationship

Is your relationship suffering from a double whammy of betrayal? Perhaps you admitted to lying to your partner about your past—only to have them turn around and confess to infidelity. If you want your relationship to work, trust has to be present on both sides of the equation. Before you can restore trust, each of you needs to be honest about whether you are interested in working for the relationship. Once it’s clear that all hands are on deck, you can make headway towards rebuilding mutual trust by starting with total honesty and implementing trust-building strategies.

EditSteps

EditEvaluating Whether You Should Stay

1. Identify and share your deal breakers. If you and your mate both betrayed one another’s trust, there’s a chance you haven’t had a discussion about your non-negotiables. These are behaviors that you find unacceptable when coming from your partner because they violate your values and ethics. Sit down with one another and figure out what yours are.
   
   • Get separate sheets of paper. Each of you should make a list of things that you will not tolerate in a relationship. Once you have compiled your lists, share them aloud with one another.
   • Non-negotiables can be trivial demands like preferring that your partner keep their space clean to more serious concerns like refusing to date someone who uses drugs.^[1]
   • Disloyalty occurs in relationships when each partner isn’t aware of the other’s non-negotiables. Now that you are considering starting anew, this is a good time to lay everything out on the table. Being open and honest with each other is a great way to start correcting the issues that broke your trust in the first place.
2. Assess whether you can fulfill one another’s needs. After hearing your partner’s relationship deal breakers, ask yourself whether you are able to oblige their needs. You may even need to take time apart before moving forward with the relationship to truly consider this.
   
   • It’s understood that a person isn’t going to be willing to compromise on these non-negotiables. So, are you able to be the partner they desire?^[2]
   • Let’s imagine your girlfriend says she absolutely will not tolerate a racist partner. As a result, you might consider whether you are able to suppress or overcome your bigoted viewpoints.
3. Recommit to the relationship. If both partners acknowledge and accept the other’s non-negotiables, you now need to make a new commitment to the relationship. In a sense, you are vowing to set aside your differences and put in effort to make your relationship work.^[3]
   
   • You may even make your recommitment ceremonial by going out on a nice date or buying a cake and blowing out candles. It may even feel meaningful to write each of your betrayals down on a sheet of paper. And, then tear the paper into tiny shreds or light it on fire.
4. Leave the relationship. If, after discussing your deal breakers, one or both partners decide they cannot meet these needs, this is probably the best time to call it quits. Neither of you should give up your non-negotiables for the relationship. Doing so will only lead to unhappiness and resentment.
   
   • Sacrificing your values for the sake of the relationship will also jeopardize your ability to restore trust. If you can’t meet your partner’s needs, agree to go your separate ways.
   • Try to give each other some space first before you decide to leave. Giving each other space may provide a different perspective and help to clarify whether your non-negotiables can truly be negotiated.

EditBuilding a New Foundation of Honesty

1. Stop the trust-breaking behaviors immediately. This seems obvious, but after you both reaffirm your commitment to the relationship, any and all betrayals should end. The only way you can rebuild trust is by reestablishing honesty. This means if one partner has been lying, they have to stop. If one partner has been cheating, the illicit relationship must end.^[4]
   
2. Get everything out in the open. In addition to stopping the trust-breaking behaviors, it can also help to completely clean the slate. Lying and betrayal can be a slippery slope; you tell one “white” lie that turns into a dozen larger ones. Create a foundation of trust by sharing anything you have withheld from your partner. ^[5]
   
   • This can be a hard step to take, but it demonstrates vulnerability on both sides. Each partner must trust their partner to confess any wrongdoing. In turn, the other partner must be grateful for the disclosure. This must be done in a non-threatening, non-judgmental way in order to be effective. Couples who can share their intimate thoughts without fear of retribution can enjoy healthy lasting relationships.^[6]
   • For example, a wife might say to a husband: “Dear, I have been fantasizing about another man for the past several weeks. I have not acted on these thoughts. Still, I am deeply ashamed because I only want you. I hope you can come to forgive me.”
   • Be sure to have this conversation in a safe space, such as a therapist's office, because certain things may trigger you or your partner and this may lead to more conflict.
3. Forgive yourselves and one another. Forgiveness is not excusing the betrayal or forgetting that it happened. Rather it is the act of absolving your partner of guilt so that you can move forward. Because both of you broke one another’s trust, you both need to be forgiven. However, you also need to forgive yourself for breaking your partner’s trust. The REACH method can help you achieve forgiveness.^[7]
   
   • Recall the hurt. Allow yourself to acknowledge and accept the betrayal for what it is. Don’t avoid or try to repress the thoughts and feelings.
   • Empathize with the offender. Try to understand why your partner may have betrayed you. (e.g. “You may have lied because I am often very critical.”)
   • Altruistic gift of forgiveness. Reflect on a time when you hurt someone and they granted you the gift of forgiveness. View forgiveness as a gift that awards the giver with peace of mind.
   • Commit yourself. Announce your forgiveness to yourself, your partner, and any other loved ones for accountability.
   • Hold onto forgiveness. When memories of the betrayal resurface, remind yourself that you chose to forgive and let go of any thoughts of revenge.
4. Agree to leave the past in the past. Once you each of you have agreed to forgive, avoid rehashing what happened. Think of today as the first day of your relationship. Whatever lies over the horizon is what you make it.
   
   • Hold each other accountable for not bringing up past betrayals in future arguments. Agree on a phrase like “Let’s stick to the present, sweetie” when the past pops up.

EditPerforming Trust-Building Exercises

1. Strive to see the good in your partner. Oftentimes, relationships take a turn for the worst because you are only able to spot your partner’s faults. As you work to rebuild trust, attempt to clear up the fog that has been clouding your view. Recount all the wonderful reasons you chose this partner.
   
   • Challenge yourselves to see the good in each other. Each day for a week, share three things you admire about your partner. Or, express joy for something nice your partner did.^[8]
2. Practice non-defensive communication. Betrayal creeps into a relationship when one or both partners doesn’t feel empowered to communicate. You should be able to share your thoughts, feelings, and opinions without censorship. Improve your communication habits by speaking with “I’” statements.^[9]
   
   • ”I” statements decrease the chance of your partner getting offended by your words. They allow you to take ownership of any thoughts or feelings you have. These statements usually start with “I feel.
   • For example, you might come home from a party and say, “I felt ignored at the birthday party. I felt like you were talking to everyone but me.” This is much less accusatory than saying “You ignored me at the party!”
3. Be realistic. Sometimes, it hurts when your partner brushes against a weak spot. Maybe you are sensitive about your family and your partner makes a tactless remark. You think “What a jerk!” or “Did she intentionally criticize me?” In order to rebuild your trust, you have to turn the volume down on this defensiveness and start giving your partner the benefit of the doubt.^[10]
   
   • If you attack everything your partner says, they will start censoring their words around you. That’s the slippery slope before lying and betrayal reenter the picture.
   • Besides, your partner probably has your best interests at heart. Don’t expect everything that comes out of their mouth to be spun in gold. Hold yourself and your partner to realistic standards and your relationship will thrive.
4. Practice active listening. As you and your partner begin to communicate more openly and regularly, it can help to refine your listening skills. Listening to your partner when they speak is a great way to show that you respect them and gain their trust.^[11]
   
   • When your partner is speaking, give them your full attention. Remove distractions like cellphones and TVs. Wait to have serious discussions when the kids are preoccupied or asleep. Make frequent eye contact. And, rest your arms and legs at your sides with a relaxed posture. Smile or nod as appropriate.
   • When your partner finishes speaking, paraphrase what they said to be sure you got it right. You might say, “It sounds like you are saying…” or something similar. This confirms that you were listening and makes your partner feel better validated than if you rushed to offer a response.
5. See a couples therapist. Mutual betrayal can take a toll on a relationship. If you and your partner are struggling to restore trust, see a professional couples therapist. A therapist can help you clarify your relationship goals and devise practical strategies to improve honesty and communication.^[12]
   

EditSources and Citations

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